How Having a Baby Changed My Body Image (it’s not what you think)

I’ve struggled with body image issues for as long as I can remember. I know that starting at around 10 or 11 years old I started wearing board shorts over my swimsuit because I thought my thighs were fat, and that continued into high school and college. My body image issues were at their worst when Jared and I were engaged and I was planning a wedding. The stress of wanting to look my best on the big day led to me eating terribly, working out like crazy, and still feeling horrible about the way I looked. Luckily, when we got married, that subsided a little bit and I wasn’t as consumed with trying to lose weight or being unreasonably thin.

I was worried about staying in shape and not gaining too much weight when I got pregnant with Reagan. I was determined to work out during the whole pregnancy and have my body bounce back immediately after having birth. Ha. I gained almost 40 pounds with her and had the 6 month pregnant pooch for a while after giving birth. I tried starting an exercise routine after my 6 week checkup, but my milk supply dwindled so that wasn’t an option. Basically, I didn’t actually start working out again until Reagan was 6 months old.

But surprisingly, despite the extra pudginess and softness, and despite the fact that my hips were now wider and my thighs were bigger, I had never been more impressed with or proud of my body. I mean, my body created a human being, birthed her, fed her for 14 months, all while supporting me on very little sleep. How amazing is that?! I stopped measuring success based on what size jeans I was wearing and how low I could get the number on the scale, and instead focused on how much Reagan was growing and how truly amazing it felt to get four hours of sleep in a row. These were my successes now, and I was so proud of them!

When I started working out again, it was a learning process. I hadn’t followed any sort of routine for over a year and it took my body a while before I could do the same types of exercises I was used to doing. But I now had a 20 lb weight (child) that needed me constantly and started crying if I left her alone, so I joined a mom workout group and we found ways to exercise with our babies! Exercise now became a fun way to get together with my friends and their babies instead of this thing I had to do in order to not hate myself for eating later.

As I got stronger and more comfortable upping my workout routine, I joined Camp Gladiator and started working out with them 4-5 times per week. These workouts were INTENSE and really challenged me. They were at 5am everyday so I had to wake up early, breastfeed Reagan, go work out, come home and shower, and then take care of Reagan because she was up for the day. It took some real dedication and motivation to get out the door every morning, but instead of fear and anxiety driving me to get out, it was the desire to be in the best shape for Reagan, so I could chase after her and play with her all day without getting tired. During this time I was in the best shape of my life, and for the first time in my life I wasn’t worried about what other people thought of my body or why I couldn’t be as thin as somebody else. I was proud of myself for accomplishing my goals, but I was more proud of the extra energy I had throughout the day and the example I was trying to set for my daughter to eat well and treat my body well.

Even though I’m five months pregnant (and measuring big) and working out now means taking a slightly brisk walk a few times a week, I am still so proud of my body. I’m proud that it continued to gain weight despite throwing up several times a day for months. I’m proud that it’s growing a human being who will be able to survive and thrive in this world from scratch. I’m proud that it’s able to do all of this while supporting me chasing after a toddler all day and working in a laboratory at night. I love my body. Every stretch mark, varicose vein, and disproportionate part of this body does amazing things everyday, and I’m determined to reward it by eating well, exercising when I can, and never criticizing the little imperfections ever again. I want my daughters to have positive body image, and I know that when they see how happy and proud I am of every part of my body, that they’ll be able to see that in themselves.

If you’re struggling, having had kids or not, let me tell you that I have been at the bottom. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve attended support groups, I’ve starved myself of basic nutrients because I was obsessed with calorie counting and over working my body. And the thing that finally clicked for me was having a baby and being forced to respect my body. And after literal decades of struggling I really feel like I’ve won the battle. I know I’ll have days when I look in the mirror and think negatively, but I know how to combat those thoughts now and I know you can get there too. Our bodies are absolutely amazing, and it is about time we stop judging ourselves and start measuring success by the amazing things they do everyday.

Next time you get together with your girlfriends or mom friends, try talking about the positive changes your body has gone through instead of the negative ones. Try meeting to go on a walk or do yoga instead of grabbing frozen yogurt. Try putting yourself in situations that allow you to speak highly and respectfully of your bodies instead of giving opportunities to criticize. Don’t be the mean girls staring in the mirror rattling off things that they dislike about their bodies (who cares if your nail beds suck?!) but make the effort to recognize the things you love about your body. These little changes can help you see yourself in a higher light, and can encourage others to do the same.