If you’ve been following along with me, you know that this pregnancy has been ROUGH.
I was so excited to see a positive pregnancy test, but since then there have been a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of drama surrounding this baby. I haven’t always been super excited about everything happening this time around, and I want to let you know that it is OKAY to feel that way!
When I was super sick in my first trimester, I was so miserable I didn’t get off the couch most days. Reagan watched an endless stream of Disney movies while I puked up everything I tried to eat. In those moments of feeling totally horrible, all I wanted was for someone to tell me “I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds like that totally sucks.” I didn’t want to hear that it gets better, or that it was all worth it, or that a hard pregnancy means an easy labor. These are all things I’ve said to pregnant friends who were struggling, and I wish I could take them back and just sympathize with them for a minute and let them know that it’s OKAY to feel sucky.
When I thought I was having a miscarriage, we hadn’t announced our pregnancy yet so I only told one close friend here and she and Jared were my only support. They were amazing at comforting me and giving me hope, without being pushy or telling me how to feel. I’m so grateful for them being in tune with what I needed, because I really just wanted to sulk somedays, and they let me FEEL what I wanted to feel.
When we got the positive screen for Down Syndrome, I was heartbroken. I was finally feeling like a normal person again and we were talking about names and getting so excited and then this bomb was dropped on us. Jared wasn’t phased at all, he kept telling me this wouldn’t change anything and that God’s will and plan were perfect. But in that moment, I really needed to feel sad for a minute. Again, I only told one close friend and she was perfect about letting me feel down while reminding me that I was a good mom and would be able to handle anything thrown at me. I sulked for a day, and then talked through my feelings of anxiety and unease for 10 days while we waited for the results to come back. I needed to go through different stages of feelings in order to feel peace, and it was OKAY to feel sadness and anxiety while I waited to feel calmness and acceptance.
I don’t know if we’re going to have any more curve balls thrown at us this pregnancy, but I am really over the drama. All I want is an, easy and smooth pregnancy where I don’t have false positive test results and fears of losing my baby. I know I’m incredibly blessed, we were able to conceive easily, our baby is healthy and strong, I’m feeling better and I have an incredible support system, but I am really excited for this baby to come into the world so I don’t have to be pregnant anymore. And that is totally OKAY. I’ve enjoyed parts of this pregnancy, but definitely not the whole thing and that is OKAY. Pregnancy is hard, being pregnant with a toddler in southern Texas (hot hot hot) is hard, hormones are hard, and feeling like a whale and having no clothes that fit is hard. It’s a beautiful miracle, but it isn’t always pretty and it’s OKAY to feel that way.
Thank you for just the reminder that it’s, “Okay.” Just the simple reassurance that it is hard gives solace.