I started the weaning process with Elliott when she was about 1 year old. I started slow since she was still nursing quite a bit during the day and at night, and I hoped to be completely done in about a month.
But she fought. Hard. Girlfriend wanted nothing to do with weaning, and the longer it took the harder it was to cut out feedings that she was literally asking for. One of the baby sign language words she knows is milk, and she was asking for it every couple of hours. It was harder to say no or distract her because she knew I understood what she wanted and was denying her anyways.
After about a month we had decreased to nursing before nap time and bedtime during the day, and once in the middle of the night. I felt good with this progress, but was itching to cut that midnight feeding and actually get to sleep through the night.
We left on a mini vacation to Utah and since she was in an unfamiliar environment I was more willing to nurse her often during the day and especially at night. I feel like this threw all of our hard work out the window but I felt bad trying to put her to sleep in someone else’s crib in a strange house without giving her comfort through nursing.
When we got back from the trip, I finally felt ready to buckle down and wean her completely (it had been 2 months since we started trying at this point). It took two nights of letting her cry through her usual 3am wake up and about a week to cut out daytime feedings but then we were done!
I knew when my last time nursing her would be, and I thought I’d have all those emotions and feelings that I hear about when we were officially done.
But I didn’t. I wasn’t very sad at all actually.
For the last four years I’ve either been pregnant or breastfeeding, meaning my body has been devoted to serving someone other than myself. And while I won’t ever take for granted the ability I have to safely carry and feed my babies, I have really missed just being on my own! So many weird things have happened to my body that I can’t remember what it was like before having kids, and I really want to get back to being comfortable and familiar in skin that is 100% mine.
But when I say all of those things, I feel guilty and selfish. Like why don’t I miss the snuggles of nursing? How could I possibly put my desire to have my body before the needs and wants of my children? What kind of mom wants to wean their child before toddlerhood? Don’t I know what some women would give to have these moments back?
I really don’t have an answer. I think I’m just tired of having every aspect of my being devoted to serving someone else. I need part of me back! And I really really really need to sleep through the night again.
I love my kids SO much! But I’m SO happy to have some space back. And the freedom to leave overnight without all hell breaking loose!
So whether you weaned right at the year mark, are nursing your 2 1/2 year old, or used formula from the get go, just remember that being a mom doesn’t mean we can’t be ourselves too! And we shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to exist independently of our children. Keep doing what makes you happy and you’ll be better off for it!
